Meet you in the place where there is no darkness

"Only you can help yourself"


Well, since that is true, that is all you can do then. Temporary relieve? Yes, of course. But it is a double edge sword. A spoil sport for others and further suffering for yourself. Whatever you do does affect others in a certain way. Cause and effect. That goes for doing nothing also. When you choose to do nothing, don't think that nothing is happening. Inaction is an action, while action can be inaction. Just like "Freedom is Slavery", "Ignorance is Strength" and "War is Peace". This might not be the truth but there is certain truth to it and its up to you to choose. And i have chosen to do nothing.


Subconciously, i like to dig a hole. I have been digging one my whole life, except for the 4 years break i had taken. Its a deep one. Whatever i have done so far all leads to the deepening of the hole. Unfortunely, i have a few episode where the ground gave way, dropping me deeper like falling into a bottomless pit. The white light at the opening becomes smaller and further away from my reach. Fight or Flight reponse is a human nature. I fought, or i think i did. Self-denial is a excellent pyschological response. It gives you a new reality and give you courage to do things. The white light looks bigger, but it is not. I've dug the soil beneath me to fill the hole that im in. Im happy that the white light is getting bigger.

A poem i wrote on my japanese blog translated into english:


Yu disappeared like yesterday, like the snow on the lake
Mi alone, drifted along the street
Koundn't grab anything with these hands of mine
Oll the stars i have yet to touch
Kan't return to reality yet
Wat will happen in the future, i don't know
Sadly, would you be there when im back
You better take care of yourself
U have a beautiful life ahead, i wish for you
Naw what to do
Rather, we will only know in our afterlife

(end)

Astreal's Snowflake

I have forgotten how to .....

The Bravery - "Unconditional" (track 2)

I've spent my whole life surrounded
and I've spent my whole life alone
I wonder why I never wonder why
The easiest things are so hard
I just want, I just want love
I just want, I just want love
I just want, I just want love
I just want something
Something for nothing
Something, something for nothing

I'm a beggar and I'm a chooser
I'm accused, I'm an accuser
But nothing's unconditional

I hold the whole world accused
I've only got myself to blame
I wonder why, I never wonder why
The easiest things are so hard

I just want, I just want love
I just want, I just want love
I just want, I just want love
I just want something
Something for nothing
Something, something for nothing

I just want, I just want love
I just want, I just want love
I just want, I just want love
I just want something
Something for nothing
Something, something for nothing

I'm a beggar and I'm a chooser
I'm accused, I'm an accuser
But nothing's unconditional

My last dance.

"There is no banquet that never ends", so goes a chinese saying. I guess that apply to everything in this world. Nothing last forever. The only constant in life is change. There is nothing you can do about it except to be strong enough to accept things or have the will and discipline to make decision that maintain the balance required in life. Well, i think i have failed in this department terribly. This one year break have revealed many things to me. I don't not know whether i have achieved anything, but one thing i know is that several unforeseen circumstance occured and threw my life into a spiral. Its like what you see in certain movie, where the lead freezes and spins towards the centre of a spining, b/w hypnotic spiral, disappearing into the heart of the spiral. I have lost my focus and my direction. I have tons of questions but no answers. During my sleepless nights, i have always looked at my room door and felt fear. The questions are lining up against the door. Packed to brim. All hungry for their answer, which will release them from their self-imposed jail. Its their only ticket to salvation, paradise, heaven... Answer? I have none. I choose to stay in my room, in my seat, shivering. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.

I seek solace in music and films. They bring me away to a faraway place for 1 or 2 hours. In that place, i am free. Free to learn, to see, to hear, to think, to feel, to love, to cry... I have met people there whom have the answers or helped me realise the answers to my questions. The possiblilities. The cruelties. The comedies. The dramas. The sorrows.

Totally drained. I have lost a large part of myself. My past, future and present. I have reached the end. The end which is the beginning and the beginning which is the end.

It is time for my last dance.


Keane - Bedshaped

Many's the time I ran with you down
The rainy roads of our old town
Many the lives we lived in each day
And buried altogether
Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll fallow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped and legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

I know you think I'm holding you down
And I've fallen by the wayside now
And I don't understand the same things as you
But I do

Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll fallow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped and legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

My bro, Anbarasan aka King of Love's new temple

Famous for owning a pair of "Long Schlong Underwear" and using Marvin Gaye's tracks to seduce innocent virgins, DJ Anbarasan aka King of Love is the next biggest thing to look out for this year in the clubbing scene. Spinned along side legendary DJs like DJ"I don't know who", DJ "I don't give a crap" and DJ "huh, who?" from London to New York and finally having his own "residency" in god forsaken Minnesota, this medical student is spreading his love with his uniquely wicked mix of bangra, hip-hop, asian underground, rojak, teh-halia and tosai with surgical precision. Sensational and still quite a mystery to the scene, he is said to be also a yogi with transcending powers. Nobody is said to have seen him behind the deck during his set, except for a pair of bobbing eyes, a set of smiling teeth and 5 white stuff on each side of the turntable scratching. Magical? Spiritual? Or is he just dark black? Check it out for yourself...

Wicked Karma Soundz

Hey, just kidding about the above. You guys should check it out, although he has yet to upload his tracks. He has really been to London, New York and Chicago and had some of his stuff featured on BBC radio. Spread the love.

Now for some local love.


The Observatory is having their CD launch. Please support!

Premiere of "The Professional Bum" - so shameless

Premiere of my first 1-min short film about me, myself and the love machine.



Please be honest and criticise the part you don't like. (Your acting sucks! This is stupid! etc...). Just leave your comment.

The past 2 weeks have been torturous... If you noticed my MSN nick ("i can't sleep") you will know why is it so. I just can't sleep. I guess i am stress for various reasons. Recent loss of great significance, guilt, confusion, frustration, hopelessness, confusion and more. For those who knows me, Mr. Donkey came knocking on my door once in a while. Maybe i should incorporated "Him" in my new project. Well, im still in this insomnia state now. i guess i have to try everything i can think of to shake it off.

What have i done since last posting?

1) POPTART!!!!



2) "LOST" viewing marathon!


This is an incredible TV series man! Mysteries plot, great acting and excellent cinematography. The background music and the way it's been edit makes each episode super engaging. Enough said. Go check it out yourself.

3) The Sandman - Preludes & Nocturnes

Yeah yeah, i know i'm all of you have read it or know about it in one way or another. All thanks to Nat, i finally got to start with the first volume of the series. Done with it in one night, appreciating the illustrations and the intricate details of each stories. Gotta read more on mythology...

Recent listening?
Futon's new album - "Love bites"

Nat is the best!

Isn't she the cutest! And she is so nice to bring us around JB and having fun with us at the famous restaurant AYUB (refer to the first video for trip to Kuching), even though she is suffering from hangover.

For those that did not join us, here's what you are missing!





The "Cereal Prawn" and "Butter Clayfish" is awesome man!! Haven't had such yummy seafood for a long time. Not exactly that cheap cos i think they knew we are from Singapore so i added up to around S$15 - 20 per pax. After dinner, we went to Holiday Plaza for some dodgy shopping and proceeded to Nat's place for some product alteration. I got "Million", "The Wall - Pink Floyd" and "It's all gone, Pete Tong".

I have to confess for not being the "Kodak Moment" kind of guy. Im training myself to be one. Why? Cos at Restaurant AYUB there were tons of "Kodak Moment". The waiter snatching Shu's Milo Ice away and gave to somebody else although she had already taken a sip. A prata called "Prata Chicago" came with side decor and the letters RA in the center written with Ketchup. The dangerous sliding Gambing Soup. The speculation on what a "Prata Chicago" would be and the fact that we waited for such a long time is that the chef have forgotten how to make the prata, thinking that nobody in the world would order that. Stuff like that. It was a really fun and cosy night and i hope more people will come next time.

Went to POW last friday to check out Morphy (Eugene, you better thank me for choosing them instead of "The Bravery"...kekeke) after my Jap class. Im telling you its wrong for them to play there. Acoustic set is ok, but for a full band...no! The place can hardly contain her voice! Oh...the voice...so full and smoothing...its like you can fall into this meditative state just by listening to her voice. Of course Eugene has done a great job in providing groove bassline for some of the querky songs they have.
Overall? 2 thumbs and 2 toes up!


Check out my favourite track here!